Friends (2)

But why don't you find friends online, I hear you say? Surely it must be easier. Well, yes it is. But it comes with it's own problems.

This was long before MySpace or Facebook. Almost a decade ago, I discovered 'instant messaging'. I made a few friends. And I fell out with almost every single one. While the internet takes out the anxiety of face-to-face talking (and body language and other assorted 'skills') it makes neither you, nor other people, easier to get along with.

The few people with whom I managed even a medium-term friendship were no easier. The more we talked, the more pressure I felt under. If MSN started up, I was seen online. Many times I didn't want to talk, but not to have done so would have seemed rude. If they didn't talk to me, I wondered what I'd done wrong.

For me, nothing is ever simple.

They say that if you have problems, you should talk to someone. But what if you know that, whatever you say, it'll only make things worse. You will be expected to do something. If you don't do it, they want to know why. And always you ask yourself - why are they doing this?

I've often been told I'm hard work. If only people knew how much hard work they were,

Friends (1)

I've tried to have friends. It's never worked out.

At school, no one liked me. I don't know why exactly. I was probably too different. Children are merciless. Anyone who is different to a perceptible degree will be destroyed. Eventually I figured this out by the age of 10 or so. I managed to get people to tolerate me. Eventually.

Most of my 'friendships' have been with those who wanted to exploit me. Whether its for copying the answers to schoolwork or borrowing money, no one has ever wanted me for me. I've tried other people. The barriers of my difference are too great. I'm too much like hard work.

I've often wondered why people seek to have many friends. People are programmed to be social. Most of them. But why choose specific people to talk to about things? Common views, goals and interests? Who knows. I certainly don't. What I do know is that friendship is far less altruistic than most people want to believe.